Smithy of Lies

Mediocrity

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 02:09:57 -0800

At this point, I'm so angry I almost feel like crying. I don't remember ever feeling this much emotion for a grade. It's not even the worst grade I've gotten before, but for some reason this C- I got in primatology has outraged me more than I have ever felt in the past. It might be due to a combination of the fact that I anticipated that I was actually doing fairly well in the class, and that it's been the first time that I've felt I've actually done any work that was somewhat worthwhile. It was the first time I felt like I was doing graduate level work. Unfortunately, what they expected was graduate level work as well, completed in undergraduate time.

What I mean by this is that normally graduate students might have an entire semester to come up with what we were forced to come up with twice in one quarter. I received a 10/10 in my discussion section, an 8.5/10 in my first paper (which is regarded as an A-), and a 5/10 on my final, which of course is an F. The reason I did so poorly on my final I believe is that I didn't have enough time to mull over a topic to do my paper on and to find an advance for. It is only natural that I would perform worse in my final than in my midterms, because the amount of time left to us was far less than what was allowed for the midterm, and it was due during the same period of time when all the finals were crammed into the same week, many of them in the same day, so I had a number of other things to worry about as well.

When I calculated my grade it seemed to me I should have a C+ or perhaps even a B-, but unfortunately, not only was the final graded more harshly than the midterms, but it was weighted at 55%, the midterm at 35%, and the discussion at 10%. Such a weighting scheme was never divulged to us until now, which I feel is entirely unfair. And having gotten two As on my papers, only to have my grade drop drastically simply because I failed to perform over and above my previous paper in a shorter amount of time in the midst of a ton of other things to occupy my mind with is simply unfair.

This latest result has made fall deeper into my sense of mediocrity and the fact that it seems I will never succeed at anything I do, no matter how hard I try at it. My current GPA is under 3.0. This is not enough to even attend graduate school much less be a competitive candidate for it. In addition this is making me reflect poorly upon myself. I believe myself to be capable of so much more, but now I'm beginning to question my own intelligence. If I can't even pull off good marks in my easy classes, I can never hope to become the person I've always dreamt to be; one who excels at anything he puts his mind to. In addition this was another one of the classes that was required for my major. Which means it will reflect my performance in Anthropology as a whole, which will affect how I look when I attempt to apply to graduate school for archaeology. I hate time most of all. Things that can't be fixed. Things that can't be changed.

I am very very very angry. At the moment it's only showing in my total and entire disregard for the world at the moment, while I sit around on the couch silently brooding while watching Stargate on Hulu on my tiny computer screen for my entire day off today. It seems to me like I've tried my best, and I know everyone says that it's okay if you tried your best, but I think that advice is total bullshit. Everything is not okay if you try your best and you don't succeed. Trying your best doesn't get you a good GPA if your mind isn't smart or strong enough. Trying your best doesn't get you into the graduate school that you want to get into if your situation doesn't allow it. Trying your best may not get the job done at the most critical time when others might be depending on you, and you'll still fail them anyway. At best, if you fail when trying your best, the failure is simply that much more frustrating and devastating. I won't accept that I can't do things.

If I tried my best and it doesn't work, then fuck my best, because I can do better than that. I can do whatever it takes to get whatever I want. And I won't stop until I do. If professors or others can't accept that, then I'll make them. Because I am the one that will rule this world. And mediocrity is not going to get in my fucking way or else I'll mow it and everyone else down.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

NEW STRATEGY!

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 15:39:16 -0800

Me. I'm an experimental learner. My entire life and knowledge is based off of me trying different things (even when people tell me that I'm being a fool for testing things that have already been proven long ago or for not taking their first-hand advice) and learning from my mistakes and successes.

Learning the process of learning for me is no exception. I have to try different methods to help me not only learn things the best way, but also to get good marks in my classes. Thus I have plotted the course for next quarter from the mistakes I made this quarter.

First, I've always known the importance of lectures, but despite that, I tend to fall into the temptation to place them behind other priorities due to the fact that a lot of the lecture is in the book and you aren't graded for anything by attending lecture. This was a dire mistake. THE FIRST PRIORITY SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE LECTURE. Even ahead of graded things like midterms, projects, and homework. I should NEVER skip lecture to finish up homework or cram for a midterm.

Second, I shouldn't get so stressed out over midterms and projects that end up with me wanting to spend too much time studying and cramming for them that I lose out on sleep and am unable to attend lecture the next day or so. I have the time I have between work, lecture, and sleep, as well as any time that I decide to take off to play. I simply have to make the most of that time and not attempt to cut into the time for my other necessary activities.

Thirdly, discussion is important as well. You are usually graded on attendance and or weekly homework. However even though you are graded for these things, discussions tend to be vastly unhelpful. I don't know why it turns out this way, but it usually ends up being a waste of an hour a week. Despite this, always get in the weekly homeworks, even if you simply have to email them to the TA, or drop by for only a few minutes and hand them in. Participation and attendance aren't usually a huge part of your grade anyway.

Also work is important to me, and more importantly, it's harder to get out of than school, but as always it should always be placed on a lower priority than school. I should not be afraid to do what I can to get out of work if I have important projects due or a midterm the next (I'm stressing 'next') day (I shouldn't need to take off work a few days beforehand if I'm studying properly, and really taking off work before the midterm is just to ensure that I get enough sleep, not to cram), even if it means faking calling in sick repeatedly. I work in a college town so they should understand.

So, my list of priorities is as follows:

LECTURE!
Midterms
Projects
Homework
Discussions
Work
Playtime

This is the strategy I have planned for the Winter 2010 at UC Davis, which will definitely be a challenge. I'm once again going to be taking 4 classes instead of my usual 3, and so I'll have 16 quarter units. Last time I tried this, I failed miserably and almost got kicked out. Hopefully I won't get kicked out of the University. I need above a 2.0 this quarter to remain in the University. I hope I got a C or better in O. Chem. I really really really hope that.

I also hope I got an A in Primatology, though I have no clue if I did or not. I got an A on the first two 'papers' but I don't know how I did on the Final paper. I hope I get an A in Ecology as well. I don't know how I did on the second midterm but I got a 100 percent on the first one. I have a week pretty much to study for this final, so I hope I can be adequately prepared. However I've been missing the lectures for a while now. =[

I'm also planning to get some more exercise next quarter by enrolling in a Muay Thai class. The times are Sunday from 6-9 or Monday and Wednesday from 6:30-8. I think the Sunday one would fit my schedule better.

I'll also being doing a Kaplan GRE prep class. By the way I need to call them since I missed my first session where I was supposed to take a preliminary test. =[ I need to make it up.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Thinking about my life in Australia

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 23:11:30 -0800

My mind keeps wandering back to Australia.

I've been thinking how I want to live, and I how I probably want something more permanent than an apartment and a standoffish roommate with whom I have nothing in common. (What I have now.)

I will probably be wanting a house. And I think I want a dog. I haven't had a dog since I was 5 or 6. I've been a cat person most of my life, (though I'm allergic to cats) but I do like dogs, even if they might be a bit more messy and slobbery. I've been thinking about a Border Collie or an Australian Shepherd (appropriate eh?). I don't think huskies would be happy there. Labs would be nice, but I'm really attracted to the intelligence and behavior of those two breeds.

I will also finally get that piano I've been aching to touch again. I might be able to live without a car. If I can't, I want a motorcycle or a Jeep. Hehe. Yeah, I'm getting a little carried away here.

I have an O. Chem midterm on Wednesday for which I'm not the least adequately prepared. I'm acing all my other classes though. I think my experiment was a success; seeing if getting a job would motivate me to do better in school somehow. I do feel more motivated to get more studying in, but that may also be because I'm in my last year and finally thinking about grad school. If I can do well this quarter I can replace most of that bad GPA of last quarter and have something around a 3.2-3.5 which will be great.

I've signed up for a GRE prep course though I think I don't really need GRE scores if I'm going to Australia, but every little bit of proof of awesome helps right. Planning to do a field school to Mongolia next year, but I need to get my passport and sign up for it already. Finally visited the dermatologist for my acne. Planned out most of my classes from now until I graduate. In short I'm getting things done. Except for studying for my O. Chem midterm that is. xD

I got another small promotion again by the way, and I am now a daystocker, and I'm trying to get the hang of it at the moment. I've thrown my inhibition out the window and now am actively seeking out a relationship with online dating sites. Getting girls for me isn't too much of a problem (I sound vain I know, but I'm just self-confident; probably), but real-life is a bitch when you're trying to meet guys, especially when you don't talk with a lisp, wear flamboyant colors, and tell every joe-schmo on the street that you're a homo or bisexual looking to pick up guys. Chances are if you flirt with a guy in real life they'll just get offended, and that's only in the best-case scenario. Could end up with you dead or worse, with your parents and friends finding out. So I'm playin it safe (Relatively speaking), and going for guys that specifically SAY they're gay or bi on dating sites. I'm still kinda freaked out because I see a few people I know on these dating sites and hope they won't really out me to everyone I know in case they recognize me. And in most cases I hope that they don't take it as an opportunity to flirt with me either in real life.

I'm taking things one step at a time and trying to keep up and keep up the pace. Wish me luck, because I'll probably need it.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

I used to be left-handed?

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:09:58 -0800

I have vague memories of it, but I never really thought about it before. My mom told me when I was young, I used to always want to write with my left hand, but every time I did, she'd whack me in the center of my palm with a bundle of chopsticks. Something about how it will help me in the future, and when she was young, the nuns that raised her said writing with the left-hand was bad or evil or something. (She also used to have curly hair and the nuns said that it was the sign of the devil, but she really loved the nuns and they loved her.)

All I really remember is my mom teaching me to write and thwacking my hand with chopsticks every now and then. Now I'm entirely right handed. I do certain things with my left hand, but for the most part, I'm only right handed.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Hanuman Langurs and Infanticide

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:04:31 -0800

This is the project I pulled an all nighter for. 12 midnight (I worked till midnight today) to 7 am. I just crashed and now I'm up at 2PM. Dx I'm so glad I don't have to work or go to class today. xD I do have a birthday party to attend though. Oh lawd, I already feel like a grad student.

Hanuman Langur Presentation

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Mongolia Archaeology

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 01:58:55 -0800

I think I'm set on where I want to do Archaeology this Summer. I was initially planning to do Balkan Archaeology, but I saw this opportunity and I couldn't pass it up. It's with the University of Pittsburgh and its in Mongolia. Hehe, sounds awesome. It's only $1,400 bucks for the program fee too. Which includes transport, training, and meals. It will be shorter than the England Field School, but that's fine.

http://www.pitt.edu/~jeh48/

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Graduate Programs in Australia

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 23:50:33 -0800

So basically, I figured it out. I'm in love with archaeology and that's what I want to spend my life (or at least this first half of my life doing). I reassessed why I wanted to be a doctor in the first place and it was simply because I wanted to help the people in front of me. Basically I'd imagine what it would feel like for someone in front of my to be hurt and injured and I couldn't do anything to save them at all. That's why I wanted to be a doctor.

Then I realized, I could help the people in front of me by simply becoming an EMT (emergency medical technician) which is basically something like a paramedic, and what I can do is at least save the people in front of me or at least preserve their life long enough to get them to a hospital. With this, I think I satisfied my need to help the people I meet, and not feel helpless in case a situation might arise.

So yes, I'm now in the quandary of finding out the best way to pursue archaeology. I think I definitely want to do it out of the US, and I'm basically going with Australia. With an EMT certification under my belt, it will be fairly easy to immigrate into Australia I think with a work-study visa, as that's a profession in demand. The problem now is figuring out where in Australia I want to study, and more importantly, exactly what I want to study.

I'm pretty sure I want to study a more scientific methodological aspect of archaeology. It will put me much more in demand than a purely Humanities based Archaeology degree. Besides, it's what I've been specializing in so far, with my B.S. in Anthro. (Tons of science and math)

The hardest science in Archaeology however deals mostly with radiocarbon dating, geomorphology and geoarchaeology, and zooarchaeology.

The issue with me though is that I have a pretty good background in genetics, and I'm wondering if I can apply that somehow. It doesn't seem that there are any programs in that though. I have done a zooarch class, and I'm planning to go for a minor in Paleobiology (furthering my bioarch experience), and I wanted to get some volunteer experience with my zooarch prof, but as I said before in the last post, I don't think we're on very good terms anymore.

I've done a bit of research and I think my choices are as follows, from my number one choice to my number 4 choice:

University of Adelaide - South Australia (Bioarchaeology/Biological Anthropology/Forensic Anthropology)

Flinders University - South Australia (Archaeological Sciences/Bioarchaeology)

University of Queensland - Queensland (Ancient DNA Analysis)

Australian National University - Canberra (Archaeological Science/Biological Anthropology/Environmental Archaeology/Quaternary Science and Dating)

Monash University - Victoria (Bioarchaeology/Geoarchaeology/Methods and Theory/Field Archaeology)

Southern Cross University - New South Wales (Geoarchaeology/Geomorphology)

I'm not entirely sure about what field of it I should go into though, so my choices may change accordingly. What it seems to me is that ANU has the best programs, while Adelaide is one of the best Universities.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

Jeez.

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:53:43 -0700

Sometimes I just need to stop feeling sorry for myself and buck up dammit.

I've been feeling really down today and yesterday simply because one professor got mad at me because of a misunderstanding and it made me remember all the times when people seemed to get unreasonably mad at me for no reason. It made me think that no matter what I do, people still seem to dislike me for no reason, and that's probably why I have no friends.

So right now I'm basically slapping myself and telling myself to snap out of it. Sometimes people are just in bad moods and may unintentionally be angry with someone, or their misunderstandings can't be helped, or they're simply assholes in the first place and not worth befriending. I'm a pretty awesome guy if I say so myself, and if people don't wanna be friends with me, that's their loss. I'mma just keep my chin up like I always do, and smile like I always do, and if people don't like me for whatever reason, be it the way I look, my personality, or my tastes, well nuts to them. There's always other opportunities out there. Just because I miss one doesn't mean that I'm doomed.

It's not my responsibility to please everyone. =]

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

My Darwin Day Short Reflection Assignment

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:39:57 -0700

Great Minds May Think Alike...

But I bet they find it annoying when they do…

By: Christopher Faber
28 October 2009
EVE 10

Darwin-monkey-wallace-cjmadden

Two-thousand and nine marks a great year for recognition of amazing advances made in the field of Natural History. Or at the very least, it marks a great year for giving a lot of attention to this one guy in history: Charles Darwin, (I’m sure you’ve heard of him somewhere; he was really big back in the 1860’s; just had his 200^th birthday, you know him). On the eve of the 150^th anniversary of his hard-hitting book on the mechanisms explaining why certain animals look different from each other (i.e. like one species of a Galapagos finch and another species of Galapagos finch; or like one species of Galapagos finch and a zebra), I, being the party pooper that I am, would like to bring attention to the stealer of his thunder: Alfred Russel Wallace. Darwin was a confidant of Wallace, and Wallace spoke to Darwin about many of his ideas. It was no surprise then that Wallace should send first to Darwin his essay titled “On the Tendency of Varieties to Depart Indefinitely from the Original Type;” a work that had outlined the very principles of the concept Darwin had been working on for years but refused to publish: Natural Selection. Of course, faced with the possibility that someone else might get credit for his idea first, Charlie-boy finally got past his bout of procrastination and raced to publish his “Origin of Species”. As we know it today, the live-by motto of academia is “Publish or Die”, a harsh rule suggesting that if you don’t have the mental fitness to publish your findings immediately, another individual with no such incapacity to write out a quick abstract and follow up, will outcompete you for resources (public eye, academic notoriety, etc.) claiming the find as their own, leaving you to wither away into scholarly obscurity while they thrive and live on to produce more successful ~~offspring~~ research with their newfound grant money and other benefits. Ironically sounds a bit like natural selection, eh? So why did Darwin not publish as soon as this bombshell of an idea popped into his head? Well according to Sir Julian Huxley, (descendant of Thomas Henry Huxley, known to be Darwin’s Bulldog, a loyal sort of companion that no good scientist should be without

[– wait… What was that boy? Someone is attempting to do a satire on Darwin before me? Well sic’im Huxley! That’s right, go for the throat! …Ahem-]), Darwin had a “cautious, and almost diffident, temperament [which] held him back from publishing his conclusions.”

Not much of an excuse if you ask me. But then he goes on to say that Darwin would not publish “until he could support [his conclusions] with adequate facts.” I guess this is a bit more excusable. Regardless, if Darwin didn’t have the connections that he did (specifically Joseph Hooker and Charles Lyell, in addition to his bulldog), as well as holding a higher status in the scientific community than did Wallace, I suppose we would be celebrating Wallace (week?) Day instead of Darwin Day. Is having a great deal more data than your competitors to support your theory more important than getting the idea out there in the first place with your name on it? I honestly have no idea, as I’m merely an undergraduate student, and have yet to face the dog-eat-dog politics in the realm of scientific advances. All I know is that in order to independently come up with the idea of natural selection pretty much at the same time Darwin did, Wallace would have to be just as clever. And as an equally gifted person, in the midst of an entire year celebrating the affluence of Darwin’s revolutionary thoughts, Wallace doesn’t deserve to go overlooked or underestimated. So, cheers to two intelligent men who came up with the same idea at the same time and somehow managed to live through that frustration.

Read and post comments | Send to a friend

I think I...

nobody@vox.com(Loki) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:50:53 -0700

... intend to become a permanent citizen in Australia. =/

Read and post comments | Send to a friend